


On love's light wings

by All_the_fandoms_and_fans



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Falling In Love, M/M, POV Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Pining, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch Is Gay for Simon Snow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2020-04-08 10:11:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19105003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/All_the_fandoms_and_fans/pseuds/All_the_fandoms_and_fans
Summary: Baz in year 5, realised he was in love with Simon Snow. Sometimes he finds it difficult to keep him at arm's length.





	On love's light wings

I used to want to spend as much time around him as I could. I used to enjoy how annoyed my constant presence made him. I used to think that my only purpose in life was to challenge him and torment him and eventually, to kill him. At least that's what Aunt Fiona made me believe. 

I still want to spend time around him. And to be fair, he never leaves me alone so it's not like I have much choice in the matter, but sometimes It feels like I'm playing with fire. Well, I'm good with fire so maybe it's not like that. It's more like juggling knives, one day I'll drop one and it will only be pain.

And it was dumb, it was so dumb. He was just sitting with Bunce eating cherry scones with an obscene amount of butter as per usual. He was just sitting and Wellbelove walked over and kissed him on the cheek. It was stupid but it felt like a weight landed on my chest and he just smiled at her as she sat with them. 

And I tore my gaze away from them because I'd just had the worst, most painful epiphany. And I couldn't unknow how I felt. And I was already far too gone.

It's funny how you don't realize your own behaviour when you're doing it. Like how my first thought in the morning was always him. And how I used to show off more playing football when he was watching, because I always knew when he was watching. How the way he looks at me sometimes makes my stomach do backflips and my heart run a mile a minute. How when he looks at me with hate in his eyes, or, more often, fear, I hate myself a little bit more because I don't want to cause him pain. He doesn't deserve that.

He doesn't deserve any of this. The pain, the fighting, the nightmares.

Right now he's asleep, and he's making tiny whimpering sounds like a puppy missing its mum. He's curled in on himself and trying to hide his face in the pillow. I think he's crying. The sounds he's making are crushing my heart. Slowly but surely destroying me. And yeah, now he's definitely crying. I keep taking small quiet steps over to him. 

Don't. Don't. Don't. I know, but I can't listen to him crying. I put one hand on his shoulder and the other on his cheek. Am I trying to comfort him? to wake him? Maybe both are good. He reaches out an arm, still asleep, and grabs hold of the front of my shirt. He holds my shirt and mumbles "don't go." 

He's asleep. HE'S ASLEEP. Just walk away. My mind is screaming at me... 

I ignore it. I stroke one hand through his hair and whisper "I won't, I'm here, I'm here," God I love him so much. I hate myself. If he saw me he'd probably try to kill me. This is self-indulgent torture. I'm torturing myself. This is going to make everything so much worse.

Slowly he releases his grip on my shirt and settles. I pull my hands away and run to my bed, curling under the blanket facing away from him.

This is bad. This is worse than bad.   
This is a hopeless disaster.


End file.
